Is It All Or Nothing at All... 1of2
by Taya Janeway
Summary: Kathryn has to make a difficult choice about her relationship with Chakotay...
1. Default Chapter

Body

All or Nothing At All

Authors Note: I wrote this story in the dead of night (literally) listening to O-Town on my computer. I thought It'd be fun where the Characters actually used the lyrics directly in the stories, not just as past tense quotes, or havae them in the middle of fan fics. So, this is my first attempt. I ask you to keep in mind the reference to 'telephone' and such. Since the years are way off and I didn't want to fiddle with th lyrics. Maybe some other time :-P

~*~*~*~

B'Elanna sat in the dimly lit quarters of Kathryn Janeway. Although she was happy that she was openly confiding in her, she was depressed by what she was being told. Most of their conversations were about Chakotay and their relationship, or lack-there-of, and where they thought it was heading.

They had started a sort of 'going steady' type mode. He and Kathryn would do the simplist little acts of holding hands in fornt of the crew, still kept their dinner dates, although they were more 'dates' then ever now. Kathryn was still skeptikal of where it was heading. So she was keeping things low, and not spending *too much* time with Chakotay. 'Is that even possible?' On their shifts, she'd immediatly go to her ready room. Only talking when he spoke first.

Although she knew it would hurt Chakotay deeply, she decided to 'break up with him' for lack of better words. She has been talking to B'Elanna how to do it for the past couple meetings they held. All the advice she gave was to look deeper and see how much she meant to him.

For hoping to get over him, Kathryn had been trying to have different conversations with B'Elanna, but she started to think about Chakotay in mid-sentence or discussion. And after B'Elanna finally spoke up "I know when he's been on your mind  
That distant look is in your eyes"

"I thought with time you'd realize   
It's over, over   
It's not the way I choose to live"

"And something somewhere's got to give   
As sharing this relationship gets older, older"

"But B'Elanna, I'm scared. For once in my life, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where this is leading. But the last thing I want to do is hurt him."  
"But you should just see the way he looks at you. He truly deeply loves you. I don't think that he'd change his actions if he ahd the choice." "I wouldn't want him to, but still B'Elanna..." She was cut off. With B'Elanna standing up with her hands on her hips that made Janeway's stance look like she was slouching."How about you go over next door to his wuarters and tell him exactly what you told me. I know that he'll help you come over your 'relationship-phobia'." She said stepping out of the way giving her a path to the door.

"B'Elanna, I don't know...""You wouldn't want a Lt. To give you orders would you?" She retorted with a smirk on her face. "No ma'am!" Janeway said giving a mock salute. She got up and hugged B'Elanna before leaving to the coordioor. A heartbeat later she walked back in and said, "You may have given me an order but you aren't the Captain so you don't get my quarters." B'Elanna laughed outloud and left with a reassuring nod. 

~*~*~*~

Kathryn rang the chime twice to Chakotay's quarters with no answer. _'It's still early, he shouldn't be sleeping I don't think'_

She paniked and put in his override code and quickly looked around his desk area. The room was dimly lit, so she could make out only shadows of things. Then her eyes shiffted to the Viewport. She saw his figure sprawled out, laying on the couch. His feet were propped up his back was leaning of the wall. He let his right arm rest on his chest and the other was tucked behind his head acting and pillow. She finally started breathing and walked over to him. His face looked as if he was trying to stay awake but was loosing the battle.

All fo a sudden his eyes popped open to see Kathryn leaning over him. "Kathryn?!" He said almost falling off the couch. "I'm sorry, I was falling asleep, I didn't hear my chime."  
"It's all right chakotay, I was just ordered by my 'second' sound board to come talk to you."  
"Well, there goes my day job!" He said throwing his hands in the air as he started to sit up. He moved over to give Kathryn room to sit down next to him then asked, "So, what did you 'sounding board' want you to tell me?" He asked inocentley. He put his arm around her shoulder. _'God Chakotay, you're going to make this harder then it is already.'_"Well," she started moving his arm off his shoulder and standing up. "She said that I sould tell you what we've been talking about." She took in a breath and noted the look of pure confusion on his face. She turned her back and started pacing. "And what we've been talking about our relationship as of now." _'Here it comes...'_ He thought and let out a little sigh. Kathryn noticed but didn't say anything. Just finishing up what she started.

"And lately, i've been asking her for advice on..." She paused and finally jsut blurted it out. "How to break up with you." She turned around to see what expression he had on his face. To her surprise his face was as straight enough to be Tuvok's. "I want you to hear me out first Chaktoay. I know that this has probably made you feel pretty bad, but well, the only reason is that.." He said her words before she did."You're afraid of the direction that were going and you're not sure of your actions." He said as he walked over to her and helder arms to his chest. "You know I'd fight for you   
But how I can fight for someone who isn't even there   
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you   
I dont care if that's not fair." It was his turn to pause and collect his thoughts. "I mean every word that I say. Whatever you're wondering you can ask me. I will help you with whatever you need. But I can't help you if you stay cooped up in that ready room of yours and hide form me and the rest of the world, er--ship."

End Part 1

Another Note: After this you will ahve to choose and ending, there is a good one or a bad one. I'll link the good one first just for you okay?

Disclaimers: I own nothing, not the song, not the lyrics or the characters, jsut the plot 


	2. All or Nothing 2of2 [Happy Ending!]

Body

All or Nothing 2of2 

This is your happy ending okay?

~*~*~*~

"I know that, but sometimes, it feels like I have no other choice. I know that the crew is happy for us. But sometimes, I feel like their support is more like pressure. Pushing me further into you way too fast."  
"You know that the last thing that I want to do is rush you. I want us to continue, at our own pace."  
"I know you do, but I'm still not sure. Are we going too fast Chakotay?"  
"If you think that we are then we can slow down until *you* feel comfortable."  
"That's just it though Chakotay. I don't want to be the one to make all the decisions. I want it to be a joint effort here."

"Kathryn, I know. It's just, I'm willing to at this head on, or I can wait forever until you're ready. I don't want you to feel rushed. I don't want you to regret this for a minute." 'A little late for that...' He thought to himself.  
"I know that the last thing I want is to loose you. But still...I don't want us to live with our own regrets. And I know that you love me and I love you too, just I don't think that'd you wait forever. So whatever you want to say about our relationship you should say right here."

"First off, what I want you to know is that, what I'm about to say has been inside me from day one. I don't know how to phrase it and if I hurt you in anyway then just tell me and I will stop."

"No Chakotay, I'm going to let you continue no matter what. I can handle it and frankly, I'd rather hear it now then later on in a fight okay?"  
"Okay, but I told you...As of this moment, I don't know where 'we' are going to end up. I know that since this began you've had your doubts. About the Maquis, me, everything. But I love you so much and would never let anything happen to you. I don't care what'd I'd have to do.But I'm not sure if I would be able to stick with this if it's going to be 'stop and go stop and go' on and off again. I want to know that you are sure that you have made the right decision about what were doing." He paused and took a breath. He was still pacing not begin able to look at ehr straight in the eye while he was saying this.  
"Cause I want it all   
Or nothing at all   
There's no where left to fall  
When you reach the bottom it's now or never"

"Chakotay, I never *ever* meant to put you through any of this. It's just hard. At first I said about those dammed protocols, but when I saw past those, I noticed how much I needed you. And how much I need you now. But like I said, I don't want this to be all one-sided. And I'm not sure what you're asking form me." She wasn't exactly crying, but of course she felt like sobbing her heart out right here in front of him. All she wanted right now was him to comfort her. But no. She couldn't that would make him feel even worse. It would make him feel like it was his fault. And really, to be honest, she knew it was her fault.

" I'm not asking for the world Kathryn. I'm just asking you... Is it all   
Or are we just friends   
Is this how it ends   
You leave me here with nothing at all." He stopped pacing and walked over to her. He took her hands in his and wove their fingers together. It had always been a sign to their strength together. Now he was just hoping that it could get him out of this...  
"There are times it seems to me   
I'm sharing you with memories. I don't like it when you pull away from me. All I want is to see you happy. I don't want you to feel akward, or weird around me. Sometimes, I can start to wonder if you truly love me..as much as I love you."   
"I feel it in my heart   
But I don't show it, show it." She was on the verge of tears. She didn't know if she could give him exactly how she was going to respond to him. She's always known that she loved him. But acting on it was a totally different subject matter. There were always questions, 'are we going too fast?' 'Are we sure this is right?' And many emotions battling inside of her over the past 6 years.  
  
"I know that you love me, and sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve it. Like when you do every little thing for me. You wade on me hand and foot.  
And then there's times you look at me   
As though I'm all that you can see   
Those times I believe it's right   
I know it, know it."

"But everytime I do every thing for you is because you deserve. You work so hard. And also becaues I love you so much I don't know how to express it."  
"All I need you to do," she walked over to him and put her hands around his neck, "is be here for me to talk me out of stupid ideas like leaving you."  
  
"Now, that I know I can do. I guess I don't need that day job of sounding board now will I?"He asked as he slowly lowered his head down to hers.  
"Oh I don't know about that...As long as you don't have a Klingon temper and order me out of my own quarters." She mumbled right before his lips claimed hers. Her time stopped and the only thing she knew was this man, this loving man was hers. 'What the hell was I thinking?' She thought and let out a little laugh.

"Something funny?" Chakotay asked looking down at her. She was gazing at him with those ocean blue eyes.  
"Nothing, I was just thinking why in the world did I want to break up with you?"  
  
"I have no idea. But if I bring it up again you might rethink so I'll leave it be. But, I wnted to let you know, taht you can take however long you need to adjust this. I will wait for you forever."

"Don't make me promises   
Baby you never did know how to keep them well   
I've had the rest of you   
Now I want the best of you   
It's time for show and tell." She then walked away from him and lead herself to the bedroom. 'My god I love this woman.' He smiled to himself. Firswt thing in the morning he had to remember to thank B'Elanna.

~*~*~*~ Meanwhile in Captain Janeway's Quarters:  
"Ha, she thought she could kick me out." B'Elanna laughed to the empty room. "I knew she wouldn't be back." She smiled fully glad at the work that she had done. 'Chakotay old man, you owe me *HUGE*"

End!

~*~*~ 

I know it was short, but I guess I cursed myself when I said that my computer ate it, becuase guess what? It screwed up half of it. And I had to rewrite it! *ahhh!* the horror of it all! Anyways, what did you think? I hope this was more to you liking! Anyways, I was wondering for a second opnion. If I wanted to I could write a part 2 to the [unlikable] ending and make it better. Any thoughts if I sould or not? Any ways, feedback always welcome!  
~~*Taya*~~

  



	3. All or Nothing 2of2 [Not Veryy Happy End...

Body

All or Nothing 2of2

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A HAPPY ENDING FOR Jcers! YOU ARE WARNED!

"I know Chaktoay, but I'm afraid. And I don't know where to go from here. It never was and never will be my intent to hurt you but...""Kathryn, if there are doubts in your mind tell me now. We can work through them.""And if we can't? Then what will happen?" She said not wanting to go into anything blindly. "I have to admit, that is one bridge that I never want to cross...but if we have to, then..." He too was at a loss for words. "Then I guess the next move we make will be the decision that sticks...Weather we stay like this, or go back to the way we were." She said quietly.

Chaktoay decided that he would have it one way or another but not both. "Kathryn," he started pulling away from her and started to pace as she had down earlier. "I can't go back to the way we were...I can't go back and fourth like we did before...I don't mean to sound rude or mean in anyway, but there is only one way to say this and it's not very subtle..." He hoped that she would understand what he was about to say...He was only speaking what he was thinking...  
"Cause I want it all   
Or nothing at all   
There's no where left to fall  
When you reach the bottom it's now or never   
Is it all   
Or are we just friends   
Is this how it ends   
With a simple beckoned call   
You leave me here with nothing at all." He took his time and didn't rush anything. He just let it come out as he was thinking it. He saw that she had a confused/dazed look on her face. So he continued."There are times it seems to me   
I'm sharing you with memories." She was about to cry. He had never *ever* been so blunt before. She knew taht he had a right to be. She was usually in control and he felt that he enver had right to speak up this much to her. So the only thing that she could muster up was;  
"I feel it in my heart   
But I don't show it, show it" He almost completley ignored her.   
"And then there's times you look at me   
As though I'm all that you can see   
Those times I don't believe it's right   
I know it, know it"

Kathryn was in pure shock. She had no idea that Chaktoay felt like this. He never even hinted that he did. She would of picked something up that mentioned this unsettling news, wouldn't she? "Chakotay, listen to me. I know how you must be feeling right now. But if we don't end thi relationship now..." She fumbled over her own words, not really wanting to say them herself. "Then we both know what will happen. I thought that I got over this when I agreed to see you on a more intimate level. But now I just don't think that I can go through with it. But I can tell you this. No matter what happens, once we get Voyager home, and that will be soon," she walked over to him and put her right hand on his cheek forcing him to look at her. She saw tears welding in his eyes. This was hard for him too. "Once we get Voyager hime. There will be nothing left but time for us. I swear to you that I can freely love you once..."

"Don't make me promises   
Baby you never did know how to keep them well." He pulled his face out of her hand. He looked away to his left side at nothing imparticular. Just not wanting to walk away, but needing to look away at least. "Remember, when I first came you said that you'd always trust me as your first officer. Then that crap with Tom acting like a complete ass to me for the sake of a mission. You didn't even me inform me of it. I thought you trusted me?" He looked towards her again and saw her looking at the floor not sure what to say, if anything at all. "Another time that I just remembered," he said as if he just had a great idea, "Before we left New Earth, you said that we could proceed with our raltionship. Keep it going. But the only thing we kept going was talking, besides that I called oyu by your given name and not your rank mask."

"Chakotay, I don't know what to say besides I'm sorry. I thought that this would work, but...""It can work, you just need to let it run it's course.""I'm afraid to. I'm not sure..."  
"I've had the rest of you   
Now I want the best of you   
It's time for show and tell. Weather we keep going, or we go back to friends, but I won't always be here as your little sexual tension reliever." He wasn't sure of how much she understood. He knew that he was probably babbling on and on but thought that she deserved to know everything that went on in that head of his. "Cause you and I  
Could lose it all if you've got no more room   
No room inside for me in your life  
Cause I want it all   
Or nothing at all   
There's no where left to fall   
It's now or never" It was totally up to her. Rather she run and leave him as a lover and only wanted friendship, or they stayed together, forever...

She looked up at his eyes. They were showing no hurry, no pleaing for an answer. They, for once, were just...just, there. His eyes were nothing but. She thought waiting for the right words to come to her. The only words that she can say were easiest three words for her to say at this moment...

"I'm sorry Chakotay..." And she walked out of his quarters...And according to her, out of his heart...

End!

So, I didn't think you'd like it either, but hey, I told you to choose, not my fault you choose the sad one! 

~~*Taya*~~ who is still debating a sequel


End file.
